Confession time: I’ve never felt terribly comfortable doing reviews here on GeekDayton. Frankly, I’m very easily entertained, which is not what you want in a critical viewpoint. For reference, here’s some films I admit to enjoying:
- Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows (which even got a review on this very site)
- Short Circuit 2
- The Amazing Spider-Man 1 and 2
And there’s not much distinction between enjoying “bad” movies and just enjoying bad movies. I enjoy Drive Angry, a Nicolas Cage film in which he plays a grandfather who drives out of hell to save his grandkid and drink beer out of a cultist’s skull. I enjoy it to the point that if it’s up against a proper good movie, it’d be a tough choice. Here’s a trailer.
However, the one thing I can do is pick out plotholes that make no sense. I spent hours standing outside of the theater after watching Batman V Superman discussing all the stupid little things (along with the stupid big things, of which there were many) with my friends. So I figured, instead of me pretending that my opinion stands between someone and seeing a film, why not point out the flaws that bother me and things that I’d change in the films I know people are already going to see?
Welcome to Nitpicking, what I hope will be a nice post-film discussion starter for anyone who cares to read it. To start with, why not the two big super-flicks that semi-recently come out? They’ve both been universally acclaimed, obviously for very different reasons, so why shouldn’t I take a few potshots? I’ve seen them both twice, so I’ve been stewing on these flaws for quite a bit. It goes without saying, but there are spoilers in this.
Right off the bat, why wasn’t her ball in the pile of rocks covering Logan’s grave? She had that dumb bouncy ball in the beginning and it seemed like it could have ended up as important a Chekov’s Gun as the adamantium bullet, but instead it disappears and never comes back. Why focus on it in the beginning at all? She should have left it at the grave, it would have been one more gutpunch in a scene already chock-full of them.
Speaking of the beginning, no lie, I slept through the first half hour or so in my second viewing of the film. It was inconsequential. Logan begins so slowly, there’s so much fat that could have been trimmed from the final cut. Honestly, they could have dropped 80% of Gabriella’s screentime with no loss. If Logan had only met her upon her requesting the limo ride, nothing would have been lost. He wouldn’t have had to lie to Donald about not having seen her since he had zero reason to do so when he did. Frankly, if Logan had only learned who she was through the video on her phone, that would have been far better than multiple separate interactions that do little to inspire grief upon learning that she has died.
Where are the others? What happened in Westchester? We can guess that Xavier had his first big seizure, probably killed some or most of the X-Men since the X-Mansion was located in Westchester, and ended up in Mexico against his will to avoid investigation. That seems like a lot, but none of that is confirmed; it’s all somewhat lofty assumption. There was supposed to be a flashback to the incident, but it was cut to “focus on character first” instead of… learning about what caused the characters to be in the situation they’re in. The director said “Just let it live in the background of all these characters.” That’s a nice idea, but we need just a smidge more detail to be comfortable rather than leaving it at “Xavier did a bad”.
Speaking of missing mutants, where are the new mutants? They seem to explain away their disappearance by saying that they’ve put some kind of mutant gene suppressant in corn syrup. That’s fair, I guess, except… Hipsters exist? Like they say no mutant has been born since 2004, but there’s gotta be people raising kids in that time frame who are only feeding their kids all-natural mega-vegan food that lacks the anti-mutant sugar ingredient. That’s not to speak of poor countries with people who can’t afford much more than rice and the like. Without some kind of chem trail bullshit, there’s no explanation for their corn syrup ending up in *every* diet on earth. They could have explained it far better by saying that Xavier accidentally wiped out the mutant gene in humanity somehow. It’s lofty and would come as a huge blow to his long-standing character, but it’s not like this movie didn’t already do that in other ways. There’s ways to make that make sense, and their writers are far better paid than I am to fix issues like this.
Why did Logan die? Seriously, even disregarding that the kids would likely have more than just one bottle of the X-steroid if they had any in the first place, it just doesn’t make sense story-wise. Charles’ died in the pursuit of keeping Laura safe, wouldn’t it have made sense for his “disappointment” of a protege to carry on his legacy by taking care of these kids? That’s the plotline we should have resolved, not “Logan thinks about death a lot”. There’s no assurance that these kids are safe, and there’s no reason to kill Logan beyond letting Hugh Jackman off the hook for a sequel. I understand that he’s done with the character (probably), but that shouldn’t mean capping off a great legacy with a shoddy ending. Even if you were expecting it to happen just like with Superman in BvS, you gotta admit that seeing those rocks start to move just after Laura leaves the frame would have been a huge relief and a light note in an otherwise dark film.
So, in summary,
- PUT BALL ON GRAVE
- SHORTEN FILM, LESSEN NEED FOR NAPTIME
- CUT GABRIELLA
- EXPLAIN WESTCHESTER
- EXPLAIN WHY VEGANS DON’T EXIST ANYMORE
- HAVE XAVIER KILL MUTANTS
- EXPLAIN THE LACK OF MORE BACKUP X-JUICE
- DON’T KILL LOGAN
Alright, now onto the other “dark” film that’s come out recently.
THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE
There wasn’t a Bat-credit card joke.
So, in summary,
- MAKE A BAT-CREDIT CARD JOKE PLEASE
That’s all for Nitpicking this time around. Feel free to disagree with me here in the comments, or in the comments of the Facebook post. Hell, tweet me about it. That’s what all the kids are using these days, I won’t pretend to be an exception.