Switch: Ninten-dooooo that to me one more time.

Nintendo Switch No Nintendo, you stay the same, I’ll change. I rag on Nintendo a lot here. It’s not that I hate Nintendo, quite the opposite. See, it’s like this. Anyone have that friend who’s essentially a nice person, but… goddammit, what a mess, yeah? They just have the shittiest luck, the worst ideas, sparks of brilliance that are immediately dashed when they over-do it. You know the type? For me, let’s name him, Calvin. (He probably doesn’t read my stuff anyhow.) I was once a passenger in a car accident with Calvin. True stories. The sun created a glare on … Read more

Couples who game together… are sexier.

Gaming with your significant other! The 2014 US Census claims that 50% of all Americans are “single.” Lies. If that was true, I wouldn’t be having such a hard time on Farmersonly.com. Of course this also doesn’t take into consideration all of the people who are dating, common law marriage, living in SIN, engaged, living with two ladies, or that awkward time where ya’ll broke up, but ya’ll still living together because shit’s weird, ya’ll know. It gets better tho. Realistically, there’s probably someone out there that you could consider an S/O. (I mean… if there isn’t, come to Board Game … Read more

Mom I NEED quarters: An Arcade afterlight

All of my systems in No Man’s Sky are named after every video arcade from my youth. Not ‘hey, I’m going to name this one after a video arcade, and this one after my first pet, and this one after my favorite Taco Bell item from my youth.’ I’m saying every system. Named after every arcade. At least the ones I went to. So flying through my galaxies, you’ll see such systems as Spare Change, Cap’n Bogey’s Golf’n Games, and The Area-51 Machine outside of the Xenia Wal-Mart. As for the planets? Those are all named after video arcade cabinets … Read more

I KEEPS IT HARD…..mode.

I lowered the difficulty on a game, and have never been happier. There’s a mindset amongst gamers (ok maybe just ones I know) where you didn’t actually play the game until you’ve beaten it on HARD. And even some who say you didn’t get the full experience without completing 100% of the objectives and achievements. Listen Linda, years ago my dad convinced me to eat that little sprig of parsley they served with steaks in fancy restaurants. He said I wasn’t completely done with my meal until I ate that. I learned two things back then. 1. My dad convinced me … Read more

Man Angrily Shakes Fist at Video Game Collectors

This one’s gonna get real nerdy, heads up. Guy posted on Reddit that he had purchased custom longbox covers for his Lunar games for the Sega CD. “Check me out, I own every Lunar game made, still sealed.” This guy. Fuck that guy. Right in his fuck. Here’s my issue. It’s specifically with older expensive games. I really enjoy the Lunar series. I own exactly 1 of the games. Lunar: Silver Star Harmony. It’s terrific. I love the music, the art, the story, every last bit of it. It’s a remake of the 3rd in the series. OH HOW I WOULD LOVE … Read more

Cartridge-based games don’t blow.

Pffffffffffft. *cough* Pfffffftttttffffhhhhhhhh. *squeak* *thunk* *press* wait.. wait… OH COME ON. Remember these days? Well fuck em. Cartridge-based games are dead. Except a few mutations. Can you name the last system/game to use a cartridge format? Surprise! It’s SNK’s Neo Geo, with their last game being Samurai Shodown V Special. I don’t blame you if you didn’t know that, hell I wasn’t even aware until recently. It was released in 2004. What the hell. That’s like yesterday. You’ll notice I avoided mentioning the PSP, DS, and Vita. See here’s the problem. The PSP, Vita and DS are all a form of … Read more

Mr. Sandbox… give me a game.

Who was your favorite member of The Chordettes? For me it’s a toss-up between Janet Ertel and Jinny Lockard. But I think Jinny takes the cake. This has nothing to do with video games. However. They had a song (originally written by Pat Ballard), called Mr. Sandman. It was also played in a open-world/sandbox game called Fallout 3. WHAT?     This is also Mr. Sandman. Man, fuck that “Dreamland Express” move in the SNES Punch-Out. Same approach in every game though, wait out the jabs, hook once, counter his next move, then do it all again. Meanwhile, Punch-Out’s main character … Read more

Bad Video Game Regrets, I’ve had a few

Ride to Hell 3. A bad video game.

Hey, girl, hey. Snagged a grail of sorts at a local, little-known DYT gaming store. Super trendy retro place, only the cool kids shop there. You probably haven’t heard about it. I won’t tell you which one because you’ll show up with your suck and buy all the stuff I want. But like I was saying, a grail of sorts. At the same time, I managed to snag a sealed copy of Risen 3: Titan Lords for $5. Look lady, I played through the first two Risen games. I feel like if I don’t finish out the trilogy, I’ll be … Read more