Switch: Ninten-dooooo that to me one more time.

Do that to me one more time

Unfortunately, Nintendo was unable to secure image usage rights from Captain and Tennile for their ad campaign.

Nintendo Switch

No Nintendo, you stay the same, I’ll change.

I rag on Nintendo a lot here.

It’s not that I hate Nintendo, quite the opposite. See, it’s like this.

Anyone have that friend who’s essentially a nice person, but… goddammit, what a mess, yeah? They just have the shittiest luck, the worst ideas, sparks of brilliance that are immediately dashed when they over-do it. You know the type? For me, let’s name him, Calvin. (He probably doesn’t read my stuff anyhow.)

I was once a passenger in a car accident with Calvin. True stories. The sun created a glare on his massive glasses, momentarily blinded him, and he managed to rear-end his parents car in front of us. We were going to a choir concert, and his hatchback was filled with a drum kit. Cars collide, his trunk pops open, and the drumkit and all equipment go spilling over the street. Goddammit Calvin.

Speaking of his car; one time a few guys from the football team decided to pick up his car and place it on the raised sidewalk of the school. “I’ll show them”, Calvin thought, and tried to drive the car off. It managed to get stuck on the curb. Wheels spinning aimlessly in the air. To add insult to injury, the horn decided to get stuck at that exact moment. Goddammit Calvin.

Meanwhile, this is the same kid who was rumored to have gotten a scholarship to an all-black college, because he was white. I just…

Nintendo is like Calvin in my mind. While they might not always have the best of luck, they might end up aggravating you more that you’d like, they’re always there for you.

Imma need the tiniest of carrying cases for it.

I don’t hate what Nintendo is doing with their new console. The video here! Nintendo Switch. It’s right up Nintendo’s alley. They just have the best intentions with their systems and games, and just want people to have fun together. Nintendo nailed that concept with about 5 of their last submissions too. But they just can’t stick with it. There’s always one little aspect that Nintendo completely blows it on.

SUCH ERGONOMIC. MUCH ENJOY.

Where We Went Wrong

Super Nintendo era, Nintendo Entertainment was crazy hungry for original ideas and IP (intellectual property, think like “Zelda”), and they had a bevvy of solid titles that most are still around today. They took concepts and games from the NES era, doubled the bits and bytes and shoved out amazing game after game. Look at anyones top 10 video game list, and chances are high that one of those games will be SNES.

Then the N64, they nailed multiplay, had a solid list of original and great IPs, and covered a wide berth of gaming genres.

Then came the GameCube! Take what you learned from the N64 and previous consoles, and keep with it. Lots of titles, solid multiplay, and a bright future. What happened? In my belief… GameCube was where Nintendo began to indirectly kill their IP and their momentum.

Rogue Squadron, Zelda: Twilight Princess, Metroid. Excellent titles we haven’t seen a real return to since, at least in the console world.

(Sure, Skyward Sword, but did you actually play it??)

After that, it was almost like Nintendo forgot what they did best. The Wii was released afterwards, with a decent selection of games. Yet, outside of their standard fare (Mario, Racing Mario, Sports Mario, dance games), you didn’t have much else to go on. I’m not saying there weren’t good titles on the Wii.

No More Heroes, Super Mario Galaxy, a slew of ported games with the Wii flair.

WHAT A GREAT TITLE LINEUP. no but seriously, some solid shit there.

But where are those titles now? You got two of each of NMH and SMG and they both just died out. That’s what Nintendo does best. They saw the highest selling games for the Wii were the Wii Fit and Wii Sports, so what do they shove out onto the Wii U upon its release? Ahuh.

Not to say that there aren’t good titles on the Wii U.

Super Mario Maker, Bayonetta 2, Splatoon, Hyrule Warriors, Super Smash Bros.

The game played by me and 50k other 30+yr olds.

But therein lies the problem! The games that continue to be top games from Nintendo are either classics that are reintroduced in great ways (Mario Kart, Super Smash, Kirby), or they’re original concept games that sort of…. die. (Splatoon, No More Heros.)

That’s not even to mention the massive amount of original concept games that were on the Wii and Wii U that frankly, I know won’t be making a reappearance anytime soon. You know how many survival/horror games the Wii had? A ton! So unlike Nintendo, but don’t worry, they stopped that nonsense.

Blood? Alright Nintendo, you growed up so fast.

I guess my overall point is that I love Nintendo for what they’ve made. The experiences and joy I’ve gotten from their games has been great. They were my first system ever, and I continue to support them. It’s just getting harder and harder to support them when they’re having trouble trying to figure out who they are. I’ll tell you this right now Nintendo, you AREN’T a remastering company. Don’t go down that road.

There are still original ideas and gaming concepts out there. And ways to reintroduce beloved games to a new generation that don’t require a basic-b remaster. But when your launch video shows off a 5 year old game (Skyrim) that was just re-released to mediocre reviews, I’m worried you’re having an identity crisis Nintendo.

I do love stock photos of video gamers.

You also released 6 different DS systems, and 5 different “3DS” systems. Not to mention two different Wiis. So in a sense, it’s entirely like you to have this crisis. For me, I still have the most fun playing Mario Kart or Super Smash Bros with a crowd of friends. That goes back to having fun playing two player Super Mario Bros 3, great memories there. So maybe, just maybe, you know what you’re doing this time.

“Make it look like you’re into the game” I got you fam.

 

 

About Doug

Once asked to leave a video game store for having STRONG opinions on the Zelda timeline, Doug still stands by his correct opinions. He refuses to apologize to that misinformed grandma or to pay for her medical expenses. Wrong is wrong. Born and raised in the finest city of Xenia, he managed to escape the deathclaws of the gaming retail industry mostly intact. He is not a nurse. He does however, have a CIB Virtual Boy on his kitchen table (which you must never touch), an ever-growing collection of video games he proudly calls his “burden for future children”, and a first-name basis with most workers at any Miami Valley Taco Bell. Profusely sweating and swearing as he types every word of every video game commentary or review, he’s glad you’re here.
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